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WE ARE FORMING A NEW POLITICAL PARTY!

 

Help us launch our new Political ‘Two for One Party’ (2F1P)

There have been 8 political parties in office in Australia since Federation in 1901, these are: Protectionist, Labor, Free Trade, Commonwealth Liberal, Nationalist/United Australia, National Labor Party, National Country, Liberal.

After all the name changing and subsumptions this effectively leaves two political parties that have governed Australia since Federation – the Liberal Party and the Labor Party.

The ratio of years in power is 2:1 for the Liberal and Labor Parties respectively. 76yrs to 37yrs.

British parliamentarian and historian Lord Acton is famous for his 1887 pronouncement, in a letter to the Bishop of London, Mandell Creighton, that “power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely”.

Many, however, may not have heard the words following that sentence: “Great men are almost always bad men, even when they exercise influence and not authority, still more when you add the tendency or the certainty of corruption by authority.”

One thing we have never heard of as a pronouncement is that “Old people are corrupt people” or even “Old people are bad people”. So based on that generalisation or lack thereof, we feel it’s time for another party to be in office; and the idea behind our new Political Party was motivated by our inability, as pensioners, to prevent harsher Age Pension income and assets tests and deeming rates and other penalties from being implemented. We feel we are being treated with absolute scorn. No more!

Our main focus is on the elderly as they seem to make up 80 percent of the government’s problem, or at least 80 percent of the cost of running the country, according to government propaganda. “In July, baby boomers should vote for posterity and not for themselves” says Tony Shepherd.

Shephard thinks he runs the country mainly because Abbott let him write the first budget and made Hockey read it according to Nike Sava in her book the Road to Ruin,. Well we say “what has posterity ever done for us”?

If some people don’t fit into our demographic, people will be re-categorised until we have the appropriate 51 percent number we need to win government. As it is, Australia is no country for old men, or women. The 2014 Global Health Watch measures of the quality of life of older people, found Australia had the lowest ranking in the region, (61st), for income security which measures older people’s access to money. It had the highest old age poverty rate (35.5 per cent), and below average pension coverage and welfare rates. Afghanistan, which ranks last in overall wellbeing, was around 20 points ahead of Australia in income security.

From an article by Inga Ting in the Sydney Morning Herald, September 10, 2015: ‘The Global AgeWatch Index 2015, compiled by HelpAge International, ranks countries according to the social and economic well-being of people over 60 by looking at 13 indicators in four domains: income security, health status, capability and enabling environment.

Australia ranks 94th, ahead of only South Korea and Venezuela, for the worst rate of old-age poverty and 94th again for relative welfare, which compares the standards of living of older and younger people in the community. Only China and South Korea fared worse on relative welfare.”

Overall Australia ranks just above Sri Lanka.

The One Nation Party, although it didn’t form government, with little or no policies, except “swamped by Asians” got good support in its day and again today.

Our party isn’t modelled on theirs, although the name bears a resemblance. Our party expects, eventually, to do much better than ‘One Nation’. Our original name – the Two for One Nation Party’ said it all. It was decided to omit the ‘Nation’ so as to avoid confusion and it will be simply the 2F1P or Two for One Party’ (Or TOP).

Instead of a slogan like “Keep the Bastards Honest” or “Keep the Bastards Out” our slogan will be “TOP the Bastards”.

We will have plenty of other ‘three word slogans’ too. That’s what the people want. We will govern with clichés, metaphors and mostly ‘three word slogans’. There is no issue that can’t be reduced to a three word slogan going forward. ‘Fairness is critical’ – ‘jobs and growth’ ‘nimble and agile’ ‘Continuity with Change’ says it all.

To be fair, the prime minister didn’t straight-out steal the Veep’s slogan “Continuity with Change.” We all know that Malcolm will, with agility and innovation, choose to use more words than strictly required to underline, to stress, and to underscore the imperative importance and significant, vital message he strives to impart. Turnbull transmogrified the fictitious Meyer’s slogan to fit his reality: “There is continuity and there is change.”

Other than three word slogans, there is also room, as it turns out, for smiling-long-winded, supercilious-waffling, verbiage and entire soliloquies.

After having our noses to wall the and our backs to the grindstone and living on peanuts and saving all our lives we now find that we are unwanted, stereotyped, despised and ridiculed, and we are having our very reasonably entitlements wound back. Despite the ‘No cuts to pensions’ and ‘No changes to superannuation’ promise, that’s exactly what we are getting.

If you need money, rob a pensioner or a young person. This has been the philosophy of the Coalition Party in government since it came to power. They have callously imposed all budget cuts on old and young Australians. They probably figure young people would not know; and old people would not remember anything – except maybe their childhood. And the young don’t vote anyway and the oldies don’t change their vote even when the electrodes and the thumb-screws are attached.

Despite the ham-fisted salami-slicing by the bean counters we intend to govern for old and young alike. It’s time for young and old to step up to the plate, lay their cards on the table and start behaving like a duck out of water and stop having the wool pulled over a ten foot pole. After all it’s not like looking for a needle in a duck’s quack. We need to make hay but we don't want to throw the baby out while the sun is shining.

Well, we do remember things we have forgotten; and the answer has been staring us in the face like the elephant in the room: Form our own political party and govern the country like it should be governed. We have had to face the reality of old age; well, the old adage; ‘If you pay monkeys you get peanuts.” That’s what we are getting. To quote the famous orator George W Bush ‘Fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me... You can’t get fooled again!”

I do not believe that the real life of this nation is to be found either in the great luxury hotels and the petty gossip of so-called fashionable suburbs, or in the officialdom of organised masses. It is to be found in the homes of people who are nameless and unadvertised and who, whatever their individual religious conviction or dogma, see in their children their greatest contribution to the immortality of their race.

Robert Menzies, ‘The Forgotten People’, from The Forgotten People radio broadcasts, 1942.

So now we the nameless and unadvertised Forgotten People have political aspirations. We like to think of it as solutions, mostly for ourselves, rather than aspirations. Naturally we are seeking help to get our TOP up and running. Not too much help we don’t want it to spin out of control, although we are hoping to get control! No use feeding our chickens before they come home to roost: Or counting our chickens before they cross the road.

All we need is a uniform 51percent swing in the next election. So we have policies for everyone in our manifesto.

After our success we will of course be suitably humbled by the astonishing fact that the people elected us in the first place and keep electing us again and again, particularly after we spend the entire annual federal and state budgets advertising and promoting ourselves in the Division of Eden-Monaro where government is won or lost. Winning Wentworth, the most densely populated electorate in Australia, would be the icing on the camel’s back.

Getting the prime electorate and getting rid of the half-smart member would be killing the cat with two stones.

Of course if anybody speaks out against us, and tries to knock our ship went off the rails, we will cancel their citizenship and or sue them for defamation. So, we don’t think the right-wing media will want to lose us regardless of our policies, not even Murdock, Bolt or Allan Jones et.al. We will make sure our ship gets back on the road and stays in a straight line.

They will soon change their ideology when they see we still have a fresh pair of legs up our sleeves and we can still butter their bread with them. They will want us to tow boats TO Australia from wherever they can be found. The navy will be scouring the high seas looking for boats and hauling them in. They will probably want to get the Chinese to build new cities across northern Australia and fill them with all the world’s refugees to restart our manufacturing industry and lower the average age ­­­­– to be overseen by Aboriginal elders.

For business lobbyists (and the likes of the banking lobby, the property lobby, and the corporate tax lobby) forever crying out for more cheap labour, having more people, courtesy of TOW BACK THE BOATS, (TBTB) should be happy to grab the opportunity to become enriched with the development of extra infrastructure. And any that are left over after building the cities could work down Gina Reinhardt’s mine or other holes she may have opened.

That will be the carrot at the end of the tunnel (See more about tunnels later.) for business.

But it’s always tough making predictions, especially about the future. But our predictions will be close enough for rocket science. If we all keep our feet planted firmly on the ground and if we stay that way we will go places together.

The Two for One Party

 The premise of the party is based on a simple mathematical economical formula – $200,000 or so for a backbencher in federal politics and more or less the same in state politics. $33,000 or so for a Pensioner couple (it could be as high as $33,500). A pensioner couple will be very, very happy on half a backbencher’s pay. A single pensioner gets around $23,000 a year, so we will have four of them. (Income splitting will be allowed for homosexual married couples which will be mandatory.) That’s the blueprint and genesis of the ‘Two-for-One Party’.

For the same cost the voters will get two and sometimes three or four MP’s for the price of one.

Most importantly there will be no vaudeville of preening self-important politicians in the capital.

Nobody (except current politicians) can complain about a deal like that. Past and present politicians will not be eligible to join the party, moreover those with waterside mansions.

The scores of elected pensioners will of course lose their pension so that’s where most of the savings will come from, going forward. Also, they will not retire from parliament so they will never be back on the pension again. Who would? There will be no backlog of retired political pensioners just swanning around waiting to rule the angels and make them pay GST on intergalactic purchases – waiting to put them through hell in heaven.

The new breed of politicians will just work until they fall asleep on the job – or die whichever comes sooner: Although some wouldn’t want to be seen dead in Canberra.

For the next election each electorate will have two candidates on the same ticket representing the TOP Party. All candidates will be respected Pensioners with Blue Cards and skill of all kinds and in plenty promising twice as much work at half the cost.

They will also replace the ‘political class’ that dominates Canberra, where individualistic self-preoccupation and lack of respect for others ride so high, with a breath of fresh air, from oxygen tanks, and plenty of legal drugs.

Voters can hardly disagree with that either.

(Of course when the politicians raise their salary to match the new giant hike that upper echelons of the public service receive, just short of half a million dollars per annum we will be more like the ‘Ten for One Party’. But that is in the future. We don’t want to convolute or complicate our policies and the platform that we are running on. People may think we can’t deliver. Not that that seems to bother them, mind you.)

Security and Infrastructure

We will build a covered moat around Australia, to keep people both in and out, and fill it with crocodiles and mini submarines. The unemployed refugees will build the moat; there is water on one side already. All the fresh water will be kept on the inside and will circumcise the entire coast of the mainland thus bringing fresh water to all the coastal towns.

The South Australians or maybe the Japanese will build the submarines; after all, the Japanese have a proven history with mini subs in Australian waters and it will pacify them after missing on the big one. Everything will be secret because it will be ‘on water’. “It’s been a longstanding policy of the government not to comment on on-water matters.” So even if we never finish the project no one will ever know, unless they walk the entire coastline to look under the cover.

The only way into the country will be by air and terrorists will not think of that avenue.

Their chosen method of entry has always been leaky boats and years in detention centres.

We will of course build draw bridges across the moat to allow imports of drugs straight to the AFP, who would be too busy not investigating travel expense rorts, and raiding politicians’ houses I suppose. And the mineral exports that help us survive.

The best way, we believe, to avoid danger is to meet it head on. We will be at peace with the entire world, and sustain amicable relations with what’s left of it. With regards to the Death Cult we would take our own heads by the hair, cut them off, and presenting them to the fanatics, would say to them, ‘Tyrants, observe the act of free men in this great country of ours. Long live Team Australia: God save the Queen (or the republic): and the ABC!”

Heads will indeed roll.

Two heads are better off than one. People will love that one two too.

Opposition

We will of course nominate candidates on all sides of politics for anxt (or angst) ridden young people who don’t know what the hell is going on. Whoever you vote for you get the same thing. Simple!

What they will get, and they will be happy with, is, every street will be called a village and every village will have ten coffee shops with free Wi-Fi cable to the node.

Can’t complain about that one either; Another ‘Two for One’ policy.

Superannuation

There will be no government funded superannuation scheme for current members of parliament. Instead members will depend on payments from ‘satisfied customers’ such as mining magnates, gambling clubs, casinos and the Mafia who will help them to prepare for ‘life after politics’.

The system will also foster a competitive culture amongst MP’s. We would envisage every worthwhile Honourable Member and particularly Cabinet Ministers fighting and struggling and mauling one another for a chance to run the gravy-train up the siding and then to pilfer it. Whoever can get their snout in the trough first is bound to be in the winner’s circle at the end because although the trough will be filled to the top it will not be bottomless. Members who don’t perform will obviously fare badly under this scheme.

One of our best ‘Two-for-One’ schemes; a self-funded Superannuation scheme for current parliamentarians, who have no sense of humour, no sense of propriety but an excellent, arrogant sense of entitlement: And an incentive scheme inexorable intertwined.

People will be happy with that one or two too.

The Prime Minister’s Seat

In the case of the Prime Minister’s seat we expect to stand at least five, most likely ten, candidates for the price of one. When he was once asked by a young student how much he earned annually the Prime Minister responded that he wasn’t sure (the amount is $542,384 plus very generous expenses) he is obviously not in it for the money. But, from our point, that is still more than enough for up to ten Prime Ministers.

One of the elected ‘10for1’ PM’s would be your typical ‘sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his (or her) own verbosity, who could at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments’ to glorify himself or herself. Their job would be to front the media daily with an effusion of ‘three word slogans’. (Sometimes more than three words e.g. ‘we will get rid of the mining tax’. Things that are for the obvious benefit of everyone sometimes may need more than three words.)

All answers to questions would begin with “to the best of my knowledge; and I don’t have the full facts in front of me. You would have to check with the relevant minister.” Followed by, “This is standard procedure in all the free governments in the free world.”

Another Prime Minister would be a ‘sad’ Prime Minister; one with sad eyes and a down-turned mouth. This hang-dog Prime Minister would be used exclusively for visiting disaster scenes and funerals etc.; as well he would also be an ever available heart-rending figure-head for the national cult of mourning.

He would speak with the ‘love tone’ in his voice like Elvis, an octave lower that the other ‘Prime Minister’ and would assure everyone that everything would be OK in the future while apologising profusely for the unfortunate situation existing at the present and taking no blame for anything. He would say everything twice, say everything twice.

Another Prime Minister would be modelled on Peter Bettie, a jolly Prime Minister with a Ho, Ho Ho type of Santa Clause laugh. He would constantly carry a plate of chocolate-chip home-made cookies. (We’ll get the lady in Nimbin to make them.) His job would be to return a year after the disaster with the cameras and have morning tea with everyone and anyone. He would also take credit for everything including wins by the Australian Cricket team and Olympic Gold Medallists.

That would still leave several Prime Minister.

There will be a Prime Minister permanently clad in Lycra and another ready to be pulled out in ‘Budgie Smugglers’ at the drop of a hat, or his pants, for sporting events as well as to stick it up the opposition, if there is any. The Budgie Smugglers will protect him from getting caught up in the machinery of government. These PM’s will, at all times, book their travel expenses to the tax payer as they will be permanently on government business and having secret meetings with unnamed sources associated with committee work. They will be ‘all within the rules’. ‘I had the paperwork for the Cab Charge in my Budgie Smugglers and they all got washed out to sea’ will be a sufficient excuse for travelling anywhere.

And our erstwhile PM famously pledged to spend a week each year doing ‘practical’ things to help in remote Indigenous communities. Tony Abbott's final visit to remote indigenous communities left taxpayers with a mouth-watering $80,000 food and catering bill.

We would have two Prime Ministers there permanently, for less than the cost of Tony’s food, doing practically nothing except maybe placating little children who can neither walk nor talk but who can be seen running about the streets, cursing the government.

There will also be a hard-hatted prime minister for visiting butcher shops and mines and the last remaining factory.

We will have one Prime Minister on Q&A every night and all the others will be tweeting. Many nights the entire panel and audience will be made up of Prime Ministers.

The rest of the time the Prime Ministers could sit in parliament all by themselves passing laws for the benefit of us all; or just have things pushed out, deferred, delayed, or not addressed. Or maybe waving their glasses around and lecturing each other.

If that’s not value for money I don’t know what is.

Benefits in Parliament

Obvious practical benefits to the electorate will be when one elected member is sitting in parliament the other one can still be sitting in the electoral office listening to community problems, or music; maybe even mow an old lady’s lawn or fix a leaking tap for exercise instead of using the tax-payer funded gym.

Then every evening after a chauffeur driven car, or helicopter ride, to the city both MP’s will meet over a quite drink and dinner at the taxpayer subsidised bar and restaurant in Parliament House (no point wasting all the facilities) to discuss the events of the day for the benefit of all the people, or at least the ones that elected us.

Furthermore, when a member of the House is required to go on a junket – fact finding trade mission and recruitment drive – overseas, to places like Hong Kong, Bangkok, Tokyo, London, New York, Paris, ah! Paris in spring! But I digress – the electorate will still be represented in Parliament. Surely nobody could complain about a policy that brings knowledge of fine wine and fine dining to Australia at no extra cost to the taxpayer. That must be good for the economy.

In response to Budget Estimates questions from Labor, DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) has revealed Australian diplomats in 2015 hosted 15 overseas fashion events in Abu Dhabi, Istanbul, Jakarta, London, Los Angeles, Manila, Mumbai, New Delhi, New York, Paris and Port Moresby that cost taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars.

IT’S been dubbed “fashion diplomacy” but critics of Foreign Affairs Minister Julie Bishop say the high-fashion-loving politician’s hosting of overseas runway shows has gone too far.

In defending the shift from foreign policy to fashion festivities, DFAT said its promotion of the industry was in line with its public and economic diplomacy agendas.

“Fashion diplomacy embraces innovation, style and creativity, all of which are key themes in terms of the way in which we wish to project Australia abroad,” it said.

We can’t wait to give that a boost.

The others who would be ‘Ministers for everything’ would announce any ‘unpalatable news’ (like the unprecedented pay-raise of $200,000 for our Public Service fat cats) during major events such as Olympic Games, (which Australia would hold annually) Melbourne Cup Day, (which would be moved to the Sunshine State), State of Origin at Suncorp which would be held weekly, when there was even worse news around, and as a last resort, late on Friday night after newspapers have closed off for printing.

Law and Order and Transport

These two areas will be combined.

Confiscated performance cars whose repeat offender drivers show no remorse (or only a little remorse) will be press-ganged into chauffeuring the common people after dark: A free Uber: Fuber.

Same with Biker gangs – they will have to rise early and transport people to work weaving in and out in the heavy traffic as well as delivering teddy bears to sick children on drugs. There’s your two-for-one again: Law and Order and a fast upgrade to Public Transport. Download the free app soon.

Com-cars and drivers would be funded by having an illegal Uber type app as well.

Water Resources and Drought Prevention

The first thing we will do is, provide a technical support framework to provide assistance in achieving several major operational improvements to represent the best practice approach and demonstrate compliance with various regulations and legislation in order to assess significant key drivers for water reforms and predictive climate modelling… Sorry, that was the previous policy.

We will simply connect all the empty dams in Queensland (and eventually Australia) with a huge empty pipeline, wide enough for four vehicles. Not just cross-Brisbane tunnels but cross-Queensland tunnels and finally cross-Australia tunnels.

The pipeline-tunnels (known as punnels) will have hatches like submarines that can be closed to make them water-tight and eventually when one punnel passes under the Ord River Dam when it’s in flood (not in Queensland admittedly) at the very top end of Australia, it will be fitted with a big valve and a drill will bore from above allowing water to flow into the punnel as far as the first valve.

Traffic will be removed from all punnels and the valve will be opened thus allowing all the empty dams to fill at once using gravity only. (The Ord River Dam being at the top.) Like a hose filling a swimming pool they will be turned off after a couple of days and the pipeline will revert back to a series of tunnels. Or punnels.

Who can complain about that? Another great two-for-one project.

Finance and Taxation

Standard & Poor’s AAA credit rating will be fine with us. Instead of taking more money off the standard & poor tax-payer we will go where the real money is – Kyn Lani, the well-respected Afghan camel driver, who will help us buy back the farm from whosoever might own it at the moment. Mining magnates have money too but they are very tight with it – tighter than Afghan camel drivers. We will come to them later, maybe.

The Abbott and Hockey regime said “everything is on the table” (meaning Joe’s lunch). However, when it came to tax reform, “everything” was code for GST.

We will have a white paper, a green paper, a yellow paper, a red paper even a black paper. No Joe, not black pepper!

These will be more in the realm of rhetoric than reality and eventually everything will be off the table again. As soon as Joe left everything was off the table anyhow.

But it’s still a two-for-one.

Health

We have big plans for Health. Elections are fought over the number of hospital beds. We intend to increase the number of beds dramatically. Under our Health Policy everyone will have their own hospital bed; known as ‘A Convalescence and Treatment Unit’ or ACTU.

So that constituents are confident of having their own hospital bed exactly when they need it we will pack the ACTU up and send it out to them personally, brown cardboard packaged like an Ikea wall unit except when they finally get all the pieces spread around the floor they will be delighted with the quality of the chromium plated nickel silver bedpan.

The instruction will naturally be written by our policymakers who use words and phrases nobody has ever heard of and who favour lack of clarity above all else.

Most companies in such situations reveal that they are humourless entities without the personal touch. Not us. Unlike Ikea who create assembly instructions which not only do not use words at all and which allows the illustrator free range for his or her own personal artistic license, our instructions will indeed have words, more words than you could poke a stick at.

Of course you will still not be able to differentiate the side pieces from the top, nor the top from the bottom, and there will be holes where there are no pins and pins were there are no holes. But think of it as part of our governmental sense of humour.

Also the person writing the instruction will not have seen the ACTU or seen the result of the Royal Commission so there will be just the impression of accuracy, three legs instead of five for example.

The ACTU will be suitable for elderly citizens of the state during ‘heat wave’ conditions. The package will contain a bag of saline solution for just such an emergency. As people will be restricted from drinking tea or coffee, under satellite-surveillance-enforced level 15 water restrictions, unless the cup is fitted with our special covers (Responsible Saline Personal Cap Attachment or RSPCA) designed to prevent evaporation during the period of consumption, the only way to maintain body fluids will be with the government provided intravenous infusion when dehydration is severe.

This will be available from the Centre For Mainly Elderly Underachievers (CFMEU).

(If however it is raining at the time you are making the above mentioned beverage and you can prove that you were able to catch the appropriate amount of rainwater in your cup you may, upon application, be given special dispensation to boil the water in the kettle, on odds or even days, for use in the aforementioned manner. See out website http://www.qld.gov.nowatereveragain.com)

More than 2for1 there.

Sport

Since the younger generations have abandoned windsurfing and squash playing and most other sports and retired with their phones to the coffee shops we have no sport policy other than to build many new sporting venues for those that play for pay. We don’t believe the hypocrisy and cant will be picked up by the workers living in poverty; after all they need something to aspire to?

The Arts

We have your arts covered. Funding for the Arts will be a huge priority: We will sponsor TV shows, to be made at Movie World.

Only shows that perfectly reflect the present government’s Australia, with its petty introspective obsessions, greedy mediocrity, and vulgar quest for materialism and that ridicules and stereotypes the working class and reinforces the cultural typecasting of the under-class and the elderly will be funded. We can laugh at ourselves can’t we? Shows that ridicule the government and Shannon Noll will not get a Guernsey.

Religion and Rain

This simple policy is not so much about religious freedom as promoting religion per se.

Scott Morrison, the erstwhile Minister for Immigration and Border Protection and now our minister for pensions, who sees himself as the guard dog of the nation’s money-bags, spoke very highly of himself and his God-bothering Christian values, when he had a Jesus moment, or rather a long-winded sentence, in his maiden speech in 2008:

‘From my faith I derive the values of loving-kindness, justice and righteousness, to act with compassion and kindness, acknowledging our common humanity and to consider the welfare of others; to fight for a fair go for everyone to fulfil their human potential and to remove whatever unjust obstacles stand in their way, including diminishing their personal responsibility for their own wellbeing; and to do what is right, to respect the rule of law, the sanctity of human life and the moral integrity of marriage and the family.”

We have duly noted how easy that one is to fulfil: he has managed to put the fear-of-god into everyone on welfare; and pensions.

Mr Morrison has stated that the pension is a safety net. His views don’t stretch to his salary and expenses, which are also paid by the taxpayer, as a ‘super safety net’ even though they will keep him in luxury for the rest of his days.

Luckily he has at his disposal (as well as god-bothering) two prodigious labour-saving devices – bigotry and prejudice. These allow him to form opinions and make decisions without having to inconvenience himself with the accumulation of facts. Satisfied that whatever he proposes to do is justified, he goes forward, impervious to other considerations, blinded and sustained by his own convictions, and Mathias Cormann.

Other than Morrison scaring the bejesus out of the old folk, one of the ways our TOP Party intends to promote religion is by demonstrating the power of prayer. We will pray for rain every time we see a storm on the horizon. If that doesn’t confound the disbelievers we don’t know what will.

This is in no way a replication of Turnbull’s ‘rainfall enhancement technology’ and the wasted millions.

That’s a big Two for One there; religion and rain at no extra cost.

Education

Education policy is a hot potato issue in any election campaign. Countries where the population has the highest level of academic attainment have the highest incomes and those with a poorly educated population are condemned to poverty, so they say.

Therefore, all students in the public system will be issued with a special FitBit with Beats earphones; (FBT’s) and a Garmin tracker. It will be mandated that this must be worn at all times. Lessons will be transmitted for ten minutes in every hour day and night, in Rap format, Boom-Boom.

Schools will be used simply as child units of entertainment (known as CUE’s) and will be built in a modular style and easily destructible. There will be panels to kick in, windows to break, chairs with legs to splay, lights and fans to swing off, that kind of thing. This initiative will require less teaching staff, except for the lesson transmissions, as the kids can be tracked at all times or at least their FBT’s can. That’s more or less the system now without the technology so this proposal is expected to be cost neutral.

Other Policies

And other policies, a discretion; we have them all kinds and in plenty too.

We will build megafactories even gigafactories, with venture-capital backed start-ups, for elderly workers to manufacture electric cars and electric bikes and electric Mobility Scooters, plus specialising in the design and manufacture of Electric Adjustable Beds.

They will also manufacture batteries for energy storage. Prisoners will build flat packs such as our ACTU’s and our “illiterates” will manufacture white goods and solar panels. There is no need for any ground-breaking new ideas like ‘Airbnb’.

The elderly workers will sell their houses in the cities, so young people can live near the coffee shops and work at writing more Aps for phones.

The pensioners, on the other hand, will retire to work and live at the factories’ large caravan parks, where they can stop all this ridiculous ‘grey nomad lifestyle’ that has made them such an object of ridicule, and spend the rest of their lives in peace doing what they do best – working their lives away.

Moreover, they will have time to make products that are not all about growth. These will be artisan products produced where quality trumps quantity.

We need to draw a line in the sand as soon as we can as we are on the edge of a precipice and no one can predict what’s around the corner as we are sitting on a knife’s edge and we could all fall of the edge of the cake while we are having a slice of the pie.

Someone has to pay the piper and walk a mile in their shoes as gracefully as a pig in a lake.

Because we are facing economic head winds we have to stand our ground and someone has to pick up the ball before they drop it and we must chip in when the chips are down at the end of the day. We need to set the pigeon amongst the hounds and watch the cats fly.

Luckily we don’t have to engage our brains before our gums start chattering because we can just rewrite whatever we said if it doesn’t go down well because Australian politicians will get the opportunity to explain foot-in-mouth moments on Google’s own search pages in an “experiment” rolling out in the country.

Things we will not have to change will be the great innovations up our sleeves such as four wheel drive SUV electric Mobility Scooters fitted with cutting blades for mowing the footpath and lawns along the way to the supermarket as well as being fitted with a chair-lifts for seasonal fruit picking and getting a better view at rock concerts when they dig up old rockers like the “Grateful Dead” and John Farnham or Jackson Browne or Turnbull’s favourite Jobson Grote.

We have plenty more strong tea to hang our hats on. To leave no stone without a peg in our policymaking, to fill the vacancies created by the election of Pensioners to parliament, legislation will be passed requiring ex-politicians to volunteer their services at schools and indeed churches and to otherwise do good and decent things; like jumping off moving trucks.

Finally, there will be more policies as they come to hand. The reintroduction of Knights and Dames is one that comes to mind. Everyone will be made a knight or a dame even duel citizens, even those on a work visa, even tourists, in fact anyone for a $100 annual fee even ‘illegals and illiterates’ even our former PM will be Sir Pository. It’s going to raise a lot of money and it’s going to look great on our passports.

For the financial benefit of retired old judges who care not for themselves, only that all that is decent and just must be obliterated, we will have a Royal Commission into everything (except banks) that ever happened since before the dreamtime to how the Aboriginal people treated Captain James Cook and probably withheld valuable information from him such as maps of the coastline when he was discovering Terra Australis incognita – the unknown southern land and claiming the east coast under instruction from King George and naming eastern Australia ‘New South Wales’ and filling it with cockroaches and eventually rabbits.

And also we need a Royal Commission to scrutinize if there has been a tendency to overplay the Aboriginal role as the first inhabitants of Australia.

As for changes to the Constitution, we would gladly sacrifice, not only a part of the Constitution, but the whole of it, in order to preserve it in its entirety. We will turn over in our graves before we mess with the traditions.

Of course we cannot release all our policies at a time when an election is…who knows away. A loose tongue spoils the broth! We don’t want to go into the next election cold-turkey with egg on our face. Our policies would just be stolen and relaunched immediately by the Government. However, we feel safe in releasing our main 2for1 policies as we feel the Government will not run with any of them.

For our future foray into Politics we have many ideas based on the 2for1 theme.

As an upgrade to Peter Costello’s baby bonus scheme, to balance the ‘aging population’ that is the bane of the Government at the moment, the $4000 handout will be replaced with a sparkling 60 inch Full HD Android-powered Smart TV with FreeviewPlus which provides access to content and services from the government only networks. This should be good for the little kiddies’ education. More importantly the TV’s will be eventually made in Australia, by the elderly, to replace the fledgling electronics industry that was destroyed by Dick Smith before he replaced it with Dickhead matches from overseas.

And as a further bonus because we will have a captive audience we will send them nice government messages to reassure them how well off they are.

That’s a 2 or 3 or 4 for one: Replacing old for new, manufacturing, entertainment and information in one integrated package.

Please pass this on.

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We need your help! If all the clichés aren’t truisms don’t bring home the bacon it is back to the drawing board. We need to go over the ball with our eyes on a fine-tooth-comb. Crying over spilled milk is not to be sneezed at. There’s a dark cloud forming that is hanging in the balance and we must nip it in the bud before it snowballs and goes off the rails. We need to get the country back on the tracks before the wheels fall out from under us like a deck of cards.

No use banging our heads up the wrong tree or being caught between a rock and a better mousetrap.

Finally, ask not what you can do for your country but what your country can do for you.

Vote for the TOP party.